Tips from a Mean Girl

I have done my deed of bad stuff in oder to get away with whatever bullshit I decided doing. Yes, I am borderline and addicted to addiction, so let me tell you going out with me can be quite the adventure. Inspired by the many life lessons I have gone through while invading dance-floors and douching it seriously up, I have a few advice on

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH DOUCHENESS

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In Paris, it’s all about being un connard. Weirdly enough, the city of Love allows us to be obnoxious. Even more weird, it allowed me to get in for free, get drunk for free, and receive sometimes absurd advantages.

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Here are my lovely tricks for the right attitude in order to have a lovely night.

« Can you get me my drink? » 

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Ask the guy about to order at the bar to take you a drink. When he does, slowly hand him your money with a nymphomaniac smile. 75% of the time, he will refuse the money.

The Straw

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This one comes from my best friend Croul, and it is bloody genius. Take a straw and walk around. At every glass you find, just drink from it with your straw. Works 98% of the time, although there is a risk you’ll get hit.

Pretty Please
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Choose a group of drunk rugbymen or a Dude band. Even better, choose douchy people but dumber than you. Play innocent and ask if you can sit with them. Wait for one of them to talk to you. If you’re evil enough, you should have a drink in less than five. Say I’m gonna get a drink bye now Oh no I wouldn’t want to… Oh well that’s very generous of you…. Works 80% of the time, but the doofus will expect you to put out.

« Here’s my credit card »

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Okay, this one is a bit more technical, and there is a lot of chance involved. I have been lucky enough to twice find credit cards at parties. Compared to the 189 wallets I have lost in nature, it seems only fair game to use the card. Start with a drink and imitate the signature of the guy. Then order really big, like a magnum of champagne, and throw the card back to where it was, so it can get on with its life. Don’t be greedy. Let it free buddy.

« Can you get the Visa machine? »
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If you’re über broke, order drinks (preferably shots, you’ll understand why). While the waitress goes for the card thingy, drink all your drinks straight. When she realizes you can’t pay, what she gonna do? Works 100% of the time, but you may get beaten up by the security team. Your problem, not mine.

« We’re so friends and it’s so not because you’re so high »

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Pretty self-explanatory. Look for very drunk and/or very high people, and just wait for them to give you stuff. It can go from a used sheet of toilet paper to a Fendi bag.

« Spliff Politics »

 « Run for it »

Called restau-basket  in France, it can be also a taxi-basket, a bar-basket… Order, have fun,  be as natural as possible, and make a run for it. Works only for non-smokers and athletes. Otherwise, let me tell you, it is a long walk back to the bar when the manager has caught up with you.

« Of course I was invited »

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Enjoy every opportunity to crash any party you can get your hands on. For example, if you hear music and WOO THIS PARTY ROCKS from an upstairs flat, get in. If someone asks you if you crashed the party, say Of course I was invited + the most common given name in your country. In France, it will give: Of course I was invited! By Marie! Croul was clever enough to once steal a birthday. Yep, he blew the candles, was in all the pictures, opened the presents and said bye to all the guests at the door.

Make those heads turn

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Point to anything really far away from the bottle a guy is drinking or whatever, and yell with a very convinced and very surprised lie. The bigger it is, the better, such as Look! The pope is twerking over there! I have observed that something with the Pope always works. Highly efficient but you gotta be quick (you may also use the Straw to get deep into those drinks) to steal.

My advice is to team up for this one, and to talk to the person while the other steals some stuff. Works really, really well at the Bayonne Ferias or any drunken city festival.

« Do you know who I am? » 

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Works really well on shy people or people lacking self-confidence or the cleaning lady at the Macdonald’s. Say it with a Oh No you Didn’t attitude. And never, never explain who you are. Try and say your name a lot. Like, talk about yourself at the third person. Do you know who I am ? Do you know who *YELL YOUR NAME* is???

« I work as a secret agent » 

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When guys hit on you, invent yourself a new life. It’s so interesting because I work as a secret agent. Hey, can you get me my drink? Entertaining especially if you invent a new one every time, but you need a good memory. One night in Barcelona, I went from being at Yale AND Oxford at the same time they just pay me the jet or that I actually SAW the Bible manuscript. Yep, like the original, you know. Even touched it or that I was a ballerina or unemployed and on crack. To get rid of people, just start talking about an awful sickness and your crippling poverty. They’ll be out in 5.

« I would never »

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Okay, so for this one you need to be able to cry on queue and to be really imaginative. One night, I stole some guy’s bottle of champagne (because he really deserved it), and he found me back, accompanied by two bodyguards, the physio, the CEO of the club, and thirty other people. Well, not only did I get myself out of it by crying and saying I would have never done such a thing, my story was so good (I was a volunteer for reading to blind people and it was my birthday) that I got hugged by everyone and received a free drink. Will you look at that.

 Check for lost coatroom tickets on the floor 

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it’s like the lottery, but on the floor!

« That’s intolerant» 

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If you smell trouble, just say the person is like, really intolerant. Works 65%, as people are scared by this word or feel white guilt. IF EVER they don’t work, try the Hm sorray but that’s exactly what the nazis said and get the hell out of here, but with confidence and a look of contempt for your victim.

And don’t forget: you’re awesome.

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